Daines on Sexuality

At the age of fourteen I waltzed out of the closet and curtsied to the door man on the way out. The rainbow flag was my Union Jack and I was looking forward to growing up in this world and 'have a gay old time'. But now, five years on, I'm not so sure.

I wonder if I skipped before I could walk, while other children were toddling, I was mincing. I look back now, and if I could have just kicked my rainbow jelly sandals and take a look at where I am now, then maybe things would be different.

Now here's the thing. I'm wondering if in my adolescence, my view on sexuality was misguided. Fitting into a category was important to me. Even if it was one that left me with months of hellish bullying at school, leading to a life changing moment where I decided if it was time to stay or to move on. Not that I regret what I have done of course, but now I wonder if things are changing.

If I look back at my life, I can pull a number of facts. I always did seek female friends. Men always seemed intimidating. I'm not made for sport. Shopping is a hobby and emotions are to be shown rather then hidden. So there we have it, a slightly effeminate male. Must be gay then, bless him.

But, maybe he isn't. Maybe I'm not. You see, I can see women in a different light, Maybe they are more then friends and shopping partners. Maybe they are wives and mothers. But I don't believe in marriage and I don't like children. So, maybe this is not how things are, well not for me. But how can I claim to be a heterosexual man?

Well, here is my thesis:

Women are for relationships, men are for sleeping with.

I think that I would happily spend the rest of my time with women. I have the best friendships with women. But sleeping with them, well that is fairly gross. They have 'in' bits where there should be 'out' bits and have curves where there should be straight lines of definition. Men, going shopping with, going out with, talking to, well all that dries up as fast as a gob on the pavement. But with women, it lasts for ever, conversation is worth salvation.

This leads me to thinking I must be heterosexual. Sexuality is about relationships, isn't it? Or is it just the reality of sex. I wouldn't say bisexual however. That indicates confusion. I however know what I want. So, sex with men, relationships with women. Once you have figured that one out, the whole world makes sense!

Everybody Do The Mess Around

I'm writing this tonight under the veil of uncertainty. I do not know what is going to happen tomorrow. I somehow have the feeling that nothing will happen tomorrow. But, theres nothing quite like pent up disappointment to confirm we're still alive, I mean, look at christmas. I'm not explaining myself all to well. So I shall start at the beginning:

For the last week (yes, just a week) I have been talking to a man online. He seems nice enough and everything he has told me seems to be true enough. I have had no reason to doubt him, why should I? But now I'm starting to feel that I am getting messed around. He asked to meet me, I agreed. we set a day, Saturday. A time and a place, still has yet to be confirmed, however half way between him and I seemed like a good idea. Things seemed to have been going well, we have exchanged numbers and sent text messages. Lately however, on this week long time scale, i'm concerned that things are not going to be so. I have texted him three times today. Its been very one sided. No reply. I called him, voice mail, left a message, waited. Nothing. If he does not wish to meet me, then he may as well tell me. But what if he does?

What if? This is the question we ask our selves when we are not happy with the answer presented. What if, something else were to happen, for if it did, we would be able to maintain our balanced outlook on the world. So, my what ifs: Something awful has happened which means he can't get to his phone. His internet is down, possibly due to a power cut or a server going down. The reality? Well, I don't have the answers. Only he does. So I feel messed around. Do I stay up and see if he gets in contact? Should I go to sleep so I have the energy to see him if he chooses to finally reply. I'm not sure. To take him out of the equation I would go to sleep, at least this way I can do what I wish tomorrow. With him or without him. That sounds like a good idea.

But I cant sleep. I feel frustrated. I don't know what is going on and what is happening with things. I just don't know. Sleep. yes, sleep seems like a good idea.

Good night.