Thinking

I seem to have spent a lot of time thinking. I think I would say that I don't seem to remember a time in my life when I did not think. I guess that leads us to the point of 'I think therefore I am'. I also think that some people would say that I sometimes don't think at all, and others would say that I over think and often use this to play with 'a big wooden spoon'(Goldthorpe,2011,daily). I think however, very simply; I just think.

So why blog about this? Well, I was thinking, about what it is to think. I guess it was like a sort of russian doll situation, or a mirror reflecting a mirror within a mirror, or a camera filming a TV, linked to the camera, filming the TV... Yes, I have been over thinking again.

But what have I been thinking about? I think I have been thinking about what I am. 'I think, therefore, what am I?' This is what I have been getting the cogs in my mind to turn over and over. And as time has gone on, and the valves in the mind have been trying to break the code, I noticed that I was not only thinking; I was feeling also. But what did I feel?

I suddenly realised that I had been thinking about what I had been feeling. I felt very connected and at one with myself, which is lucky for I would hate to see the mess if I was torn apart, and putting ones self together is about as difficult as M C Escher's hand drawing a hand. Quite impossible, a sort of chicken or the egg situation. Anyway, I have been thinking again and going off topic. So I had been thinking about what I had been thinking and decided that it had a lot to do with what I had been feeling. Confused? Well, I was. I found it difficult to decide what I has been thinking to make me feel that I was over thinking too much about what I was feeling.

In the end I thought instead of thinking and trying to work out what I was thinking and feeling, instead I would just think and feel and live, but try hard not to analyse. This is lucky, as with most things, if you leave them be, they will come to their own natural conclusions.

I had been feeling the very same to what I had been thinking.

I have indeed fallen in love.

Everybody Do The Mess Around

I'm writing this tonight under the veil of uncertainty. I do not know what is going to happen tomorrow. I somehow have the feeling that nothing will happen tomorrow. But, theres nothing quite like pent up disappointment to confirm we're still alive, I mean, look at christmas. I'm not explaining myself all to well. So I shall start at the beginning:

For the last week (yes, just a week) I have been talking to a man online. He seems nice enough and everything he has told me seems to be true enough. I have had no reason to doubt him, why should I? But now I'm starting to feel that I am getting messed around. He asked to meet me, I agreed. we set a day, Saturday. A time and a place, still has yet to be confirmed, however half way between him and I seemed like a good idea. Things seemed to have been going well, we have exchanged numbers and sent text messages. Lately however, on this week long time scale, i'm concerned that things are not going to be so. I have texted him three times today. Its been very one sided. No reply. I called him, voice mail, left a message, waited. Nothing. If he does not wish to meet me, then he may as well tell me. But what if he does?

What if? This is the question we ask our selves when we are not happy with the answer presented. What if, something else were to happen, for if it did, we would be able to maintain our balanced outlook on the world. So, my what ifs: Something awful has happened which means he can't get to his phone. His internet is down, possibly due to a power cut or a server going down. The reality? Well, I don't have the answers. Only he does. So I feel messed around. Do I stay up and see if he gets in contact? Should I go to sleep so I have the energy to see him if he chooses to finally reply. I'm not sure. To take him out of the equation I would go to sleep, at least this way I can do what I wish tomorrow. With him or without him. That sounds like a good idea.

But I cant sleep. I feel frustrated. I don't know what is going on and what is happening with things. I just don't know. Sleep. yes, sleep seems like a good idea.

Good night.