I feel recently not all myself. Those who know me well may know that that isn't too unexpected, but I feel that it is more so then just the obvious. I am coming to the end of my second year at university. I feel tired of this year, it has felt strained and difficult. It felt more political then I expected. Last year felt like the point of opportunity and experience. I had made changes and decided to take control of what was happening in my life, decided to take some direction. I had left home and decided to do what I wanted for a change and just sort of ran with it. I decided to do what was right for me. I remember this time last year I was getting ready to leave the city. I remember the drive away for the last time and the sadness that bought me. The sun setting as I had stayed late to clean my flat, the feeling that it was the end of something. My summer was one where I would be taking a bigger step then I would have thought I would have ever done, tried to commit myself to something, but it was something with many unforeseen's. Looking back, I wonder how I manage to put myself in such situations and get out, not just alive, but with no damage either. I had to make some hard decisions and as soon as I had, I didn't have time to think about it for I had thrown myself into another year at university.
This second year at university was no where near the same as the first. As I said previously; it seemed very political, the previous year seemed simple by comparison. I felt myself get caught up with the current of things at times, but I would then drift to the edge and sink a bit, get stuck at the bottom, unable to come up for breath and in this time I would experience panic as I would realise that I simply did not know what I was doing. I wondered how I had gotten here? What direction had I been following to lead me to a point where I did not know what I wanted or what I was doing. I started to think about the future and what I was to do with myself. So I set about making a fragmented future of ideas. While I was working on where I wanted to be going, I was being told information which I, at the time, did not realise would hold such a grip over myself. I had discovered that for one reason or another I would be denied the biological normality of recreation. This caused a conflict which I could not really share with others because I had for as long as I can remember been apposed to the idea of children. I had carved such a deep impression that this was my opinion, that were I to challenge the idea, my original opposition would be put up in my face and discourage me from continuing my argument. Thus it sat around and I thought about it continuously. Daily at least. You see, it is different to choose not to do something then to be not given the choice. This was the problem. I had start to think beyond this. What would I spend my life on? The question of the future suddenly took over and I could think about little else. I realised that sooner or later I would have to choose a direction and for once, it would not be chosen for me. I suppose I had always imagined some small tributary of an idea where has my life ran dry I could invest myself in a future generation. A selfish perspective perhaps, put a possibility which, for the idea, I was not the architect. But with this door closed to me, I had the realisation that life will have to be made for me, for it will always be just me. And now I started to notice those around me, not because I have been self absorbed but with the change in me I have started to draw similarities. I have listened to many of my friends that they are apposed to having children. I thought a small spark that maybe I wont be alone in this and that while my friends move into the realm of parenthood, I wont be left at an outsider, drifting through, trying to find and fulfil my own goals and little projects, while they live out their lives through their children. But then this idea was quickly extinguished by the suggestion of what had been my thought as explained above 'Well, you know, I will probably end up having children anyway, through some mistake or another.' As if this is some finite moment which keeps people moving. This has been such a pressure on my thoughts that it feels good to be able to type it out quickly in blog.
But now there is still the problem of me. Why I feel not so clever. I keep feeling like I did in primary school, first grade, where I spent what felt like a year sharpening pencils, not to get them sharp, but for the byproduct of shavings. I seemed to spend a huge amount of time collecting wafer thin pieces of illuminated shavings. But I was thinking while I feel like I did back then, not really absorbing anything, drifting through life, I start to wonder how I got here? Did I just get lucky? I mean, as one unhelpful doctor once told me, 'why should I worry, I have an education, I am doing fine.' But, not to sound ungrateful, but I am not so sure I am. I feel directionless. As if I have stopped and stumbled and I wonder, how did I get here. What good can come of shavings? This I guess echo's that saying of making mountains out of molehills, making a connection between two things and assuming they correlate. But what I am trying to project is that I feel the same as I did thirteen years ago. And having calculated the number, to be suspicious, maybe this seems to be something rather unlucky. How did I get here, and now I am here, where do I go?
To cut this blog short, as I know it is growing and continuing with a theme of being unclear, I have concerns because I suppose my self confidence has taken a bit of a hit and I don't really know where I am going and I have no plans. I wish I had the direction of some, but instead I just meander. I am not the first person to feel like this, I know many people feel this way. But what I learnt today is that if things are going OK, then you can't complain. But if I never say anything, where will I end up?! I am contented for where I am now, but the future concerns me. I haven't got any plans, but I guess I can't do much more but hope my luck holds and something new comes up.
